When Sarah agreed, Mary started. Mary continued the story while turning off the lights and switching on the nightlight.
Once upon a time there was a prince named Mickey. He was clothed in a yellow coat. His chest was shining with big pearls; curly hair peeped out from under his cap. He carried bows and arrows in his hands. He was the king of Ayodhya city, where he was known to be a very strong ruler and people would praise him for his greatness. Mickey was very soft-hearted and valued his family. Since Mickey had a great amount of love for his parents, one day he decided to have a surprise party for his parents. Soon he announced his parents' fiftieth anniversary would be taking place in a gigantic room, which was part of their palace. He wanted to make that day memorable for his parents, so along with the relatives he invited the entire city of Ayodhya. There he saw a beautiful, stunning girl named Minnie and fell in love with her. As he was standing by his window and while looking at the moon he said, “The queen of night is not so fair as Minnie." That is what we call love at first sight and at that point he decided to marry her while he said to himself, “Minnie is my heart's love. I cannot live without her.”
As it was 11:00 pm, suddenly Mary stopped and said, “We will continue this story tomorrow. We all should sleep now.” On the other side, Ally and Sarah were so into the story and were very impatient to know the end of the story. Ally said in a harsh voice, “NO, finish it. I cannot wait to know the ending.” Then, Mary agreed to continue on.
Then the next day, Mickey in an aggressive voice ordered his younger brother, Kyle, that he wanted to meet that girl, but they did not know anything about her. At that very moment, Kyle ordered servants to search for Minnie and report every single piece of information about her as soon as possible. After an hour, servants informed him that Minnie was a daughter of King Blaze.
Without thinking of anything else Mickey announced that he wanted to marry Minnie. The parents agreed.
Blaze liked that proposal and said, “Peerless is Rama, the noble one, and he shall be given for wife my daughter Minnie, who is dearer to me than life.” Then, Minnie and Mickey got married and they lived happily ever after.
Ally and Sarah said, "Great story and goodnight, Mary."
Author's Note: I chose to retell the story as the bedtime story and focused on Rama and Sita’s love story as played by Mickey and Minnie in my retold story. Brother Laskhmana as Kyle was involved as well, but not as much in my story. The story of Mickey and Minnie is based on the original story of Ramayana which was the story about Rama and Sita. In the original story, Rama and Sita's love story was not that short and quick, but rather filled with struggles and problems that they encountered in every step of their life. For Rama and Sita marrying each other was not much of a problem, but rather life afterwards was harsh. Mickey did not have to pass any test in order to marry Minnie, while Rama had to prove himself as a condition to marry Sita. In addition to that, Rama saw Sita for the first time in the garden and wanted to marry. In my story, it was not the same setting. In my story, I covered until Rama and Sita get married and then I declared it as a happy ending. I like happy endings, so I managed to make it happy.
Once upon a time there was a prince named Mickey. He was clothed in a yellow coat. His chest was shining with big pearls; curly hair peeped out from under his cap. He carried bows and arrows in his hands. He was the king of Ayodhya city, where he was known to be a very strong ruler and people would praise him for his greatness. Mickey was very soft-hearted and valued his family. Since Mickey had a great amount of love for his parents, one day he decided to have a surprise party for his parents. Soon he announced his parents' fiftieth anniversary would be taking place in a gigantic room, which was part of their palace. He wanted to make that day memorable for his parents, so along with the relatives he invited the entire city of Ayodhya. There he saw a beautiful, stunning girl named Minnie and fell in love with her. As he was standing by his window and while looking at the moon he said, “The queen of night is not so fair as Minnie." That is what we call love at first sight and at that point he decided to marry her while he said to himself, “Minnie is my heart's love. I cannot live without her.”
As it was 11:00 pm, suddenly Mary stopped and said, “We will continue this story tomorrow. We all should sleep now.” On the other side, Ally and Sarah were so into the story and were very impatient to know the end of the story. Ally said in a harsh voice, “NO, finish it. I cannot wait to know the ending.” Then, Mary agreed to continue on.
Then the next day, Mickey in an aggressive voice ordered his younger brother, Kyle, that he wanted to meet that girl, but they did not know anything about her. At that very moment, Kyle ordered servants to search for Minnie and report every single piece of information about her as soon as possible. After an hour, servants informed him that Minnie was a daughter of King Blaze.
Without thinking of anything else Mickey announced that he wanted to marry Minnie. The parents agreed.
Blaze liked that proposal and said, “Peerless is Rama, the noble one, and he shall be given for wife my daughter Minnie, who is dearer to me than life.” Then, Minnie and Mickey got married and they lived happily ever after.
Ally and Sarah said, "Great story and goodnight, Mary."
Author's Note: I chose to retell the story as the bedtime story and focused on Rama and Sita’s love story as played by Mickey and Minnie in my retold story. Brother Laskhmana as Kyle was involved as well, but not as much in my story. The story of Mickey and Minnie is based on the original story of Ramayana which was the story about Rama and Sita. In the original story, Rama and Sita's love story was not that short and quick, but rather filled with struggles and problems that they encountered in every step of their life. For Rama and Sita marrying each other was not much of a problem, but rather life afterwards was harsh. Mickey did not have to pass any test in order to marry Minnie, while Rama had to prove himself as a condition to marry Sita. In addition to that, Rama saw Sita for the first time in the garden and wanted to marry. In my story, it was not the same setting. In my story, I covered until Rama and Sita get married and then I declared it as a happy ending. I like happy endings, so I managed to make it happy.
I also chose to write one of my storytelling posts as a bedtime story. It's such a fun form, since everyone's been told a bedtime story before and the frame often occurs in other media. It's also easy to add humor and delayed action by having the people telling the story pause for interjections. I thought the crossover of cultures in this story was interesting too, with Mickey and Minny standing in for Rama and Sita.
ReplyDeleteHi, Aysha!
ReplyDeleteI think it’s really cute that you used Mickey and Minnie as your main characters for this retelling. You kept enough of the original lines and details that the story was familiar, but still unique in it’s own way. Your framing of the story was also nicely done. This story translates well as a bedtime story. Nicely done!
The font style and size are easy to read. The colors are also simple and easy to read, and they even go with this cute story that you have written!
ReplyDeleteThe spacing and margins are good, but I think that you should be aware (in your next story) of trying to vary paragraph lengths. Varying the lengths is both visually appealing and makes it easier on the reader. I am mainly referring to your second paragraph which is (excuse me for the word,) overwhelming to a reader. I think you should chop that in half or into thirds.
Other than that well done. You did well with your story and the FORM of your story!
Hi Aysha!
ReplyDeleteAh, your story is too cute! I love Disney stories. You did a great job of making this ancient Indian epic one of Rama and Sita into a cute bedtime story.The background you chose looks great with the story you wrote. The image you used is beckoning me to lay down and listen to the bedtime story! It might also be nice to have some sort of image of Mickey and Minnie to focus on since they are the main characters.
The paragraph length in the story is visually taxing. The author's note could use some breaking up too. Writing for online visual appeal is a good thing to look at to keep the reader interested. The story itself is short and sweet so the long paragraph is visually ironic.
I did notice anything else that I could offer any type of constructive criticism on. I liked reading your story, it was fun!
You must a be a fan of Mickey and Minnie! I just read your Week 6 Storytelling post, which involved them as well. I enjoyed how you told the love story of Sita and Rama in the form of a bedtime story. The picture you used also matched the way that you described the children's room. Did you find the picture first and base your description off of it, or did you just happen to find a picture that matched?
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job breaking the story up into small paragraphs. This makes the story easy to follow and details easy to locate after you finish reading. Consider doing the same thing to your author's note. Your blog's layout is intuitive and easy to navigate.
If you were interested in adding to this story, I would like to see more details about Mickey's love for Minnie. Love is such a powerful emotion, it is often surrounded by vibrant sensory details. What was it about Minne that caught Mickey's eye?
I would also be interested in hearing why you chose to use Mickey and Minnie in your retelling. Are they special to you in some way? Also, why did you choose the name "Blaze" for Minnie's father. You could add these additional details to your author's note.
Thank you for writing such a light-hearted and fun story. I enjoyed reading it and think that it is an excellent addition to your portfolio.
This is a great story!
ReplyDeleteOne of my least favorite parts about the Ramayana was when Rama banished Sita, even in her perfection and loyalty. I almost hated it enough to say that the Ramayana is an outdated and sexist love story.
I really like what you have done here. You have made the story entirely child friendly, and a truly sweet way to end a night.
I really enjoyed the blurb in the middle where the eldest daughter wishes to go to sleep but the two youngest make her finish.
I do wonder, is this officially how the story ended for you? Did Rama and Sita live happily ever after from here?
The font you used was very easy to read, and the spaced out paragraphs were easy on the eyes and inviting. Your link from your index worked perfect, and I liked the picture you added.
I look forward to the next story!
Aysha,
ReplyDeleteSuch an amazing bed time story. You did a great job! Your image describes the pink room perfectly. Adding the details in the story was a great way to let the reader know about the environment during when the story was being told. I now know that the story was being told sometime before 11:00 pm.
I wonder what Minnie was feeling? Did Minnie fell in love with Mickey at very moment when Mickey fell in love with her?
I am also wondering where did they live after getting married.
The format of your story is good. I liked the way you broke down your story.
I do think if you could use a better title for this story it would look so much better than it is right now. Title related to the character of the story or the theme of the story like " Mickey and Minnie", " Love at first sight".
Good luck.
I think you did a great job on retelling the story of Rama and Sita. The text you used made it easy to read and understand your story. That was creative to use Mickey and Minnie as the main characters. The portfolio page was set up nice and the link to the story was easy to find. The photo was appropriate and matched the theme of the reading. The colors added to the setting. What if you added more description about how Minnie felt about Mickey? Maybe you could go in depth a little about their life after meeting. You could include facts about Minnie’s family. Since it is a bedtime story I think the ending was great. It was totally different in the Ramayana readings. The author’s note gave the reader insight about your thoughts and why you chose to parallel your writing to the life of Rama and Sita. I look forward to reading more of your work.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, the way that you incorporated the bedtime story was great for lightening the tone of the story. This strategy made the setting much more lighthearted and innocent and presented the characters in a very childlike manner. This makes the entire story stand out in the face of many other plots which depict gruesome scenes of death and violence. You even took the creativity a step further by including a sort of “Mickey Mouse” atmosphere to the setting while still maintaining the essence of the Ramayana. By using familiar or similar sounding names to those used in the book, the reader is able to draw parallels between the stories and give birth to imagery, the vividness of which is subject to one’s knowledge of the original text.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you are planning on using this “bedtime” theme in more of your stories. I look forward to reading your next story.
Aysha,
ReplyDeleteI thought your story was awesome. They way that your incorporated the story of Sita and Rama’s love story into a bedtime story was a great idea. I really liked their relationship in the Ramayana and am glad to see another take on them. The dialogue you provided was great because it allowed for the girls to have a connection between each other. I had many of siblings and storytime was always a treat at night. I felt that the story really flowed and was easy to read. The paragraph lengths in my opinion were right on. I liked the picture that you inserted, but maybe inserting a picture of Mickey and Minnie would help the reader imagine the love story. Also, the fact that you used Mickey and Minnie was awesome. It really brings out the childlike nature of the reader if they grew up with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Overall, a great story and idea of telling a bedtime story! Hope to read more of your stories!
Hello. I liked how you used a bedtime story to write this one. I have written one of my stories like this before and it really makes it easier for the readers to follow along. It is also pretty fun writing it bedtime story style too. The Mickey and Minnie Mouse idea caught my attention. I think it's fun that you took two iconic characters and wrote your own version of a love story for them. The break in between was a good way to introduce and new part of the story with a whole new setting. I think I would like to read a little more about how the two fell in love and the kind of relationship they shared. The ending was a little abrupt. Maybe you can explain the kind of dates they went on or how Minnie felt about Mickey like if she fell with him at first sight too.
ReplyDeleteAysha, I really enjoyed your story and love seeing a story retold in a unique way. I have seen people write stories portraying the characters as a modern time theme and using animals but never using Disney characters! That was a really neat touch to the style. I like a good bed time story myself so this story really appealed to me. Also I loved Mickey and Minnie growing up so it was really easy for me to get into your story. I also felt as a kid again when reading this, because it seemed to be the target reader. I feel like kids would really enjoy a story like this. I myself have not tried this approach when writing my stories but I am now wanting to try this approach. I think overall your story was a really good one to read and I have no criticisms of it. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Aysha,
ReplyDeleteI really like they way you retold the story of Raman and Sita. I must say this is very unique way of retelling it. When I first read the description of your story I was a bit confused on how it would all work out but overall I liked it! I like how you also altered the ending to be more of a happy ending rather than a sad ending from the original story. I would suggest editing your author’s note. It seems very repetitive. I would also suggest adding more to the ending. It felt like it ending real quick after the good news. I like the image you used. The colors really make you think of Mickey and Minnnie. I also enjoyed how you changed Mickey’s common character and made him want to jump straight to the marriage rather than proving himself. This gives us a total different side of Mickey!
Hi Aysha,
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I've always been kind of upset how the story of Rama and Sita ends, so I'm glad you made it end with a happily ever after. The only type that I saw was you referred to Mickey as Rama at the very end. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not. One thing you could do to add more power to the story is describe how Mickey and Minnie fell in love when they actually met, and describe their wedding ceremony. You did a great job with your descriptions throughout the story, so I'm sure it would be great if you added the details about their wedding. I also found it interesting how Minnie's father didn't make Mickey prove himself, but just knew how great his reputation was as a ruler. If you had to add a challenge for Mickey to prove himself to Minnie's father, what would it be? Maybe you could tie in more characters from Mickey Mouse for the challenge. Great job!
I'm from the other class, Myth and Folklore, but I chose your portfolio story as one of my extra ones for the week, and I'm glad I did. What initially caught my eye was that the stories would be retold but would focus on Mickey and Minnie, or atleast this one did. I wasn't familiar with the story fo Rama and Sita but the way you retold it made a lot of sense. I too am a big fan of happy endings and so I'm glad you were able to make this story have one. I also really appreciate that you included a picture of the hot pink room with the three hot pink beds all in a row. I am a very visual person so I like to see the setting of things given to me. Good job with the little changes you made, I liked the story overall and will visit again to read more.
ReplyDeleteAysha,
ReplyDeleteI chose this story from your portfolio simply because I thought the premise was interesting. I saw your other story shared a similar premise, but I didn't feel like being sad tonight. Focusing just on your premise, retelling stories as bedtime stories to Mary, Ally, and Sarah is a great idea. You have opened up the opportunity to tell a lot of unique and fun stories.
I agree with your decision to reduce the involvement from Laskhmana or Kyle in this retelling of relationship between Rama and Sita. It makes more sense for a bedtime story told to children. I also agree with your decision to write the story with a happy ending for the same reason. Finally, I like how you cut from the story to real life. the real life portions are very relatable as a reader.
Thanks so much for sharing your work so far, I really enjoyed reading it. Good luck with the rest of this class and the remaining semester.
Andrew
Hey Aysha!
ReplyDeleteThe blurb in your portfolio index really grabbed my attention for this story! What a FUN idea to retell the story as if it is Mickey and Minnie's wedding! I think that is such an original idea and it is really a great idea for a bedtime story - who doesn't love Minnie and Mickey!?
I thought your idea to include Laskhmana was a really great idea and I loved the character "kyle"! I think that by adding in the extra character you helped to make the story really well rounded.
I like that you made the contrast between how Rama and Sita struggled to marry in the beginning and Mickey and Minnie did not! I think that is a very important part of their story and I like how you included it.
I too, love happy endings and I really think your story was great!
Hi Aysha,
ReplyDeleteI like the child-like innocence of your story. What a creative idea of having a revolving Mickey and Minnie mouse storybook theme for your portfolio! I like how described the scene of the three sisters preparing for the bed time story and their rooms. Your blog’s template goes well with the story, and heightens the “pink fairytale/Disney” theme.
I like that you were able to include a happy ending for Mickey and Minnie. The story of Rama and Sita so far this semester has been the most impressionable story I have read aside from the “The Sacred Tales of India”. Rama really ticked me off the way that he treated Sita, but you were able to change the character into someone who was confident in knowing what and who he wanted which made it great.
Thank you for writing such a great story. I hope the ending of this semester goes well for you.